#053: When you realize that you're the problem

On moral philosophy and getting rid of binary thinking

Head of a Young Woman by Jean-Baptiste Geuze (possibly 1780s)

I took a comparative literature class in college called “Enlightenment Evil” where we, a tiny seminar consisting of nine students, set out to explore and make sense of the existence of evil in the world and in us. We read through poems, letters, philosophy and novels of the eighteenth century from the writings of intellectuals making sense of the incomprehensibly unjust universe and if man’s free will introduced evil into a world that was supposed to be inherently good. It was my first comparative literature class and it truly ~enlightened~ me to think about and discuss these banal concepts in a critical way. By the end of the semester, I left with a big fat crush on my classmate who my friends called “Comp Lit sweetie” and a headstrong belief that people are just inherently good or inherently bad. Nuance be damned because at the end of your day, you’re just a good person or a bad person.

This binary way of thinking stems mainly from my subscribing of Kantian moral theory in the period following the end of that class. (I don’t totally subscribe to Immanuel Kant’s philosophies anymore, by the way, so you can keep reading on) In sum, his moral theory is that morality is defined by duties and one's action is moral if it is an act motivated by duty. The only thing that is good in and of itself is the “good will”, the intention before the act. Anything that follows is not part of the equation. The will is what drives our actions and grounds the intention of our act. Are you following along here?

I’m not saying it’s the correct philosophy, but the older I get, the easier it has become to view people in this binary way of thinking. It has made it a lot easier to cut people out of my life, to end toxic relationships and steer clear of people who have ulterior motives. I’ve always maintained that my spidey intuitions are my guardian angels. If someone doesn’t have good intentions, then I must assume they are not a good person, right? And in letting go of people who aren’t additive to my life, I am able to welcome in those that are. That is until I came to the realization that, well, people have cut me out of their life, that I have deeply hurt people, that I can be toxic. And in certain relationships that have gone awry, or in interactions with my family where they call me out like no one else can, I suspect I may have been the problem. And here comes the crushing reality that I may sometimes be a bad person, too. Ok, no. I’m still a good person. But there is nuance and maybe I don’t agree with Kant after all!

When I find myself reflecting on the past, on things that I regret doing and saying, I don’t ever think I had malicious intentions. Unfortunately, the minute ways humans interact with each other are not always actively conscious. We are social by nature, sure, but we are also ultimately constantly self-regulating. We do things that feel good, act out on emotions and perceived threats, and while we are supposed to be cooperative, neoliberalism has actually made us pretty fucking selfish. And that selfishness manifests in, well, bad ways. Perhaps I have been wrong all along to not have more grace to allow people to evolve, show up better, prove me wrong.

I’d like to revisit the idea of goodwill as an important commonsense touchstone to my argument that none of this actually matters and that maybe my college equipped me with an overthinking brain, if nothing else. What makes a good person good is his possession of a will that is in a certain way “determined” by whatever basic moral principles there may be. I remember having a quiet, serious conversation with a friend one time where we asked each other what we feel most guilty about in our lives and how we can course correct moving forward. I didn’t have the guts to say what I am most guilty about so I just said, “I need to stop shit talking.” Looking back, I think I could’ve said, “I hurt people because they’ve hurt me, and I’m perpetuating a cycle of hurt that permeates beyond me and the person I hurt.” In short, I’m owning up to my shit and I am actively trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. If there’s anything I still believe since that class until now, it’s that goodness, just like evil, gets passed on and on.

Kant’s biggest critic was the brilliant Nietzsche, who staunchly believed that “Morality seems bound up with obligation, with codes and rules, and somehow I don’t see the ‘blond beasts of prey’ kowtowing to rules any more than to a social contract”. He basically believed morality is the herd-instinct in the individual and can thwart excellence because we are too preoccupied with following the rules of ethics. My basic moral principles that guide my behavior are also the principles that guide my self-reflection. I have come to understand that this assessment on my behavior can often be a distraction and the polarity of good vs evil keeps us self-absorbed, inauthentic and maybe even a little dishonest. I want to stop overthinking my behavior and my actions and start living out my pursuit of being a better, more earnest person. I want the aftermath of my actions to be just as part of the equation. Taking accountability seems to be a good first step and the antidote to the crutch of binary self-judgement that keeps us in a listless and annoying loop of thought.

I don’t want to just perform goodness; I’d like to embody it. So give me the grace to stop overthinking and so I can channel that energy instead to be a better person. I’ll do the same for you. 😌

With love and positivity,
Laura

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